


Family Portrait

by Stella_Delilah



Series: Spirk Songfics [4]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: James Kirk is insecure, James T. Kirk Has Issues, Jim growing up, Jim has Issues, Kid James Kirk, M/M, Parental James T. Kirk and Spock, Parental Spock, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-James T. Kirk/Spock, Protective Spock, Songfic, Spock loves Jim, jim loves Spock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 02:50:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7024330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stella_Delilah/pseuds/Stella_Delilah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim thinks they look pretty normal from the outside. If only people could see past the family portrait.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Family Portrait

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Allyance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allyance/gifts).



> Soooo user Allyance suggested that I write a story based on P!nk's song, "Family Portrait". When I first heard the song, I didn't really like it. As soon as I started writing this, with the song playing in the background, I loved it. I really like this story, so I hope you like it too.

Jim is five years old when he realizes that his mother hates him. Sam says otherwise all the time, claiming that Mom doesn’t hate him, she just couldn’t look at him because as soon as she did, she remembered Dad and that makes her sad. That doesn’t make any sense to Jim. Shouldn’t Mom want to spend more time with Jim, since he looks like his Dad? His Dad is dead, but Jim isn’t. It’d be nice if his mother would realize that too. He asks his mother once, if she wishes that his dad were there.

            “Of course, sweetie.” She says immediately, and hugs him close. He waits for a beat, relishing the contact that doesn’t happen often. His mother runs her fingers through his hair and sighs softly. “I wish that you could have met him. He would have loved you.” Jim is quiet. He doesn’t doubt that, he knows that his father would have loved him.

            “Mom, do you ever wish that he was here instead of me?” His mother loosens her grip on him and her fingers still on the top of his head. He waits, silently begging her to say the word that he needs to her. He wants her to say _no_.

            She sighs quietly, just barely audible, and looks away for a moment before leaving him to walk away up the stairs. Jim doesn’t really talk to his mother much after that.

           

            Jim is seven years old, and he has just gone home from school with a bleeding lip and bruised thighs. One of the older kids decided that he didn’t need to be on the monkey bars at recess, so he pushed him onto the ground. And then he’d straddled Jim, his knees pressing into Jim’s thighs, as he smacked him over and over again. Jim knows that he has a big mouth, and he knows that he’s scrappy for his age. So he had hit the other boy back, and even though Jim was bruised, the older boy looked worse. In fact, he looked so much worse that they took him to the medic’s room instead of just using the first aid kit.

Jim hears the secretaries talking in the office while he waits outside for Frank to pick him up. Apparently, Jim broke the kid’s nose when he shoved his palm straight up into his face. Jim doesn’t feel bad. If the kid hadn’t wanted his nose broken, maybe he shouldn’t have picked a damn fight. He’s not sorry, and he wasn’t afraid to do it. Jim watches as Frank’s truck pulls up to the school, and that’s when he actually becomes afraid.

He’s 9 when Frank has his first fight with Winona. She’s screaming at him, asking about why her sons look like they’re barely eating and how is she supposed to trust him with her family if her children look like twigs. Frank is silent, obviously fuming, but he just pounds at the counter and blames Jim. Everything is against Jim, he’s always to blame. They end with Frank leaving and slamming the front door, while Winona sinks into the couch.

Jim creeps out of his room, looking down from the top of the stairs at his mother. Her hands are on her face and she’s hunched over, as though she’s throwing up. Jim wants to ask her if she’s okay, if she needs him. He wants to help his mother, but he doesn’t know how. He wonders if she would want a hug, and glances up at the picture on the wall. Fleetingly, he thinks that maybe their family would be happier if they had a truer family portrait, one that showed their real feelings. He should take a picture of this moment, and replace the one on the wall. Instead, Jim settles for creeping down the stairs and filling a cup with water. When he sets it in front of her, she snaps her head up and stares at him. Her eyes are red and puffy, and full of tears.

“Mom—“ Jim starts.

“Go upstairs.” Winona’s eyes fill up again but her voice is firm and unwavering. “Please, Jim, just go.”

Jim goes.

            Jim is 11 when he runs away the first time. He can’t take Frank’s punches all the time, and he can’t keep fighting with him about it. His mother didn’t believe Sam when he tried to tell her about Frank, and she definitely won’t believe Jim. So Jim doesn’t even bother trying, and it’s only when Frank sprains his wrist that he decides to leave. He takes one of Frank’s old cars and decides to drive until he can’t see the town behind him, until he doesn’t know where he is, because only then will he be safe from Frank. Sam already left, as soon as he was able, and now it’s Jim’s turn. No one really cares about him. He could die tomorrow and he knows his mother wouldn’t care. Jim’s only choice is to run.

            So run he does.

            Jim is 13 when he finally is able to leave Tarsus. Tarsus IV, his hell for the past 2 years. After he ran away the third time, Winona and Frank thought that it might be good to send Jim to live with his aunt and uncle on a different planet. It worked, for a few months. They were much nicer than Frank (or even Winona, for that matter) had ever been to him. His aunt let him help her bake fresh bread and his uncle taught him how to fish. For 6 months, Tarsus was heaven.

            Then the fungus came. The fungus grew faster than anything that anyone had ever seen, spreading fast through the plants and the cities. It killed people when they ate the infected plants, it killed the plants and wildlife, and it killed the hope of all who lived there. Governor Kodos thought he knew the answer- kill 4,000 of the 8,000 colonists on Tarsus IV and starve out anyone else who might not be strong enough to survive.

Jim found himself alone when his aunt and uncle were killed (Murdered, actually. They were set on fire in a field with about 100 other civilians. Jim saw the whole thing from behind the shed. He was supposed to be in bed with one of the men on the council, but he slipped out.) and found himself taking care of a small band of other children who had been orphaned by Kodos’ actions.

            Jim made it out, by a sliver of his life and only with 8 other people who ever saw the Governor’s face. About 4 of them were Kodos’ “boys”. Jim was his favorite. He had used that to his advantage, getting medicine and food for the other children.

            Jim survived, but he remembered. He remembered everything.

            Jim is 17 and he hates Riverside, he hates his classmates, he hates his home life and most of all he hates Frank. It might be the remnants of Tarsus shaking about in his mind, but in the months after he came home, he barely left his room. Winona could barely look at him and Frank didn’t hit him. He just brought food to his room and would gruffly tell him to eat it, he was too thin. Jim didn’t eat for a week. He was sent to the hospital and forced to use a feeding tube.

            Winona watches him eat his dinners after that.

            Frank didn’t hit him for 7 months, and then the beatings started again. It was after Jim had taken seconds without asking, because he was hungry, and then ignored Frank when the man told him to slow down. After that, Jim had driven two of Frank’s prized cars off of the ledge at the end of town, and Frank decided to show him who was boss.

Winona was upstairs in her room, ignoring Jim’s screaming.

Frank roared at him, and Jim roared right back. The man threw Jim against the wall, right by the stairs, and the family picture fell off of the wall and cracked on the wall, shattering. Both men stopped at the sound, staring at the picture.

            “That was your fault,” Frank growled, before slapping Jim. His neck made a sickening snap, and Frank slapped him on his other side. As Frank dragged him into the kitchen, Jim looked down at the broken frame on the ground.

            The picture seemed to fit their family a lot more now.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

            Captain James Kirk is 27 and he refuses to let his crew know how scared he is. They’re stuck on this frozen planet, he, Spock, and Uhura, while Chekov and Scotty try their best to find them. The signal from the cave is weak, and they’re getting colder every second. Jim has already covered both Spock and Uhura in two blankets each, even as he only has one.

            The next time that Jim wakes up, he’s on the ship again. Spock is clutching the blanket to his bed so tightly that Jim thinks that he might have a heart attack. When he looks into Spock’s eyes, he sees the subtle shine of tears.

            “Jim,” Spock says softly, running a hand down Jim’s face. Jim hears him say, “I love you.”

            “Hi Spock.” Jim responds, and he means, “I love you too.”

           

            Jim Kirk is still 27, but a little bit older in other ways, a bit more mature. He hasn’t spoken to his mother in over 4 years, but there’s been no reason to. He doesn’t know why Spock requested to eat dinner with him on the star deck. In fact, they never eat on the star deck. It’s not forbidden, so as unheard of, but Jim doesn’t mind. Spock likes doing stuff like that sometimes.

            When he arrives to the deck, Spock is there with a table and two settings.

            “Oh my gosh,” Jim can’t help but gush, “You made my favorite! A cheeseburger and fries.” He smiles up at his boyfriend. “I knew there was a reason that I loved you.”

            Spock, for his part, does a decent job of looking completely unbothered by Jim’s quick kisses to his cheek and lips and pulls out Jim’s seat for him. “I am gratified that you are pleased by the choice in dining, Captain.” He murmurs, brushing his fingers over Jim’s as he goes to sit in his own seat.

            Jim frowns. “It’s Jim. We’re off duty, Spock.”

            Spock clears his throat uncharacteristically and runs his hands down the front of his pants. “I apologize. I admit that I am feeling more…agitated than normal. Please forgive me.” He says, and Jim feels himself frown even deeper.

            “Well, we could just go to bed if you want.” He suggests, and Spock simply shakes his head and lifts his soup spoon to his mouth in response. Jim shrugs, and follows his lead.

            After eating and some light conversation, Spock opens an expensive bottle of red wine.

            “Wow, what’s the occasion babe?” Jim asks, gratefully taking his glass from Spock. Spock flushes again and his fingers tremble as he touches them to Jim’s.

            “There is none. I simply wished to show you my gratitude and my….” Spock looks down at Jim’s chest as he speaks, “My love for you.”

            “Oh Spock,” Jim sighs, and sets his glass down in favor of pulling Spock’s face toward his in a soft kiss. “I love you too, babe. I love you so much.”

            Spock is still standing over Jim, holding a glass of wine in one hand and staring at Jim with such intensity that Jim feels as though he’s in a fishbowl.

            “James, I admit that there is a small occasion that I wished to speak with you about. It is why I asked you to meet me here tonight.”

            Jim smiles and runs his hand along Spock’s cheek. The other man’s eyes flutter as he leans into the touch gratefully before sitting down in his chair next to Jim.

            Spock takes a small sip of wine and closes his eyes before speaking again.

            “Jim, you have been part of my life for over 4 years now. As a student at the Academy, I was drawn to you despite your somewhat delinquent ways. I wanted you as a captain, and I want you now. You are my heart, Jim. You are my…” Spock trails off and sets his glass down on the table, reaching forward to press their fingers together once more. “You are my heart.”

            At that moment, Spock gets down off of his chair and lowers himself down onto one knee. Jim’s hands fly to his mouth and his eyes begin to tear up.

            “Oh my god,” He whispers as Spock reaches a hand into his pocket, his eyes never leaving Jim’s. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my- is this real?”

            Spock’s mouth turns up in a slight smile as he nods. “I would be honored if I were able to carry the title of your husband.” He flips open the ring box and holds up the ring to Jim. “James Kirk, would you please marry me?”

            Jim stares at him before jumping off of his chair to tackle Spock. He’s covering the other man in kisses and straddling him when he chokes out, “Yes Spock, _of course_ I’ll marry you, that’s all _I want_ , god damn it!”

            Jim leans himself up into a sitting position and presses kiss after kiss into Spock’s mouth, his eyes, his cheeks. “Oh my god, Spock, I love you so much, oh my god I-“

            Spock covers Jim’s mouth with his own, while simultaneously slipping the ring onto Jim’s finger.

            “Spock?” Jim asks,  his heart feeling light as air and his stomach still turning flips.

            “Yes Jim.” Spock says, touching him so gently that Jim wonders if Spock thinks that he’s made of fine china.

            “Spock, take me here. Make love to me right here.” Spock’s eyes darken and he pulls Jim closer.

            “Yes, ashayam.” He whispers, kissing Jim’s cheek and licking his ear. Jim shudders and pulls himself closer to Spock.

            “Oh God, Spock, please make me yours. Make me yours right here.”

 

            Jim is 29 and Spock just asked him if he wanted to adopt an orphan child form a war-stricken planet.

            It wasn’t out of the blue, really, she’s been living in Spock’s quarters for two weeks now. Her parents were ambassadors to the Federation and were killed by rebel forces. Jim and Spock have been living out of Jim’s room, which works out, because little Sasha likes to run into the room in the morning to wake them. Spock loves the girl’s intelligence and curiosity, while Jim loves her laughter and her free spirit.

            Over the past few days, Jim has really come to think of them as a family. Until now.

            “Spock, we- we can’t adopt her!” Spock’s eyebrows crease and he looks adorably confused.

            “I am confused, Captain. You have called her a surrogate daughter before and we have no children of our own. She adores you and it would be logical to take the next step to adopt her.”

            Jim clenches his fists and jumps from the bed, startling Spock.

            “I can’t do that!”

            Spock stares at him evenly. “Why not, Jim?” He asks, his fists tight on his thighs. “We have no children. We cannot have children biologically. It would be logical- “

            “I’m not a father!” Jim cries out then, and begins to pace. “I’m not a father, I don’t know how to BE a father, I can’t-“A sob breaks out of him, and he stops. Spock is still sitting there, frozen, watching him break down and Jim can’t, he really can’t. Spock can see what a mess he is; Spock is probably regretting getting married to him because Jim doesn’t know what a family is. How can he know how to make a family when he’s never had one?

            Jim hides his face in his shirt as he sobs, standing there in front of his perfect husband. His perfect husband, who’s basically an angel, while Jim is broken and wrong. Jim is so wrong, and Spock is so right.

            Then he feels Spock’s strong arms around him and he sighs into the contact, feeling the tears flow more freely. Spock doesn’t speak, but rubs circles in Jim’s back. Jim cries until his eyes are sore and his cheeks are raw. He sniffles and leans back from Spock’s now thoroughly soaked shirt.

            “I’m sorry.” He says softly and Spock simply gazes at him, his hands carding softly through his hair. “I’ve never had a real dad, so I don’t…. I don’t know how to raise a daughter.” Spock smiles softly.

            “I have also never raised a daughter, Jim. But I am confident that we can figure it out together.” Jim sniffles again, and then Spock presses their lips together. He leans back, their foreheads touching. “I am confident in your abilities, love.”

            Jim sighs, and the door chimes. Sasha skips in, happy as usual.

            “Hi! Um, can Kirk read me a story-“ She stops when she sees them holding each other, Jim’s face still red and puffy. “Are you crying?” She says softly, and runs across the room to grip Jim around the middle. The two men almost fall over, with Spock’s face falling into a deep frown as he steadies them.

            “Don’t cry!” Sasha cries out, holding tightly onto Jim’s shirt.

            Jim smiles down at the small girl and then lets go of his husband to pick her up. “I’m not sad, I’m very happy. In fact, you’re the reason why I’m so happy.”

            Sasha grins and hooks her arms behind Jim’s neck. “Really? What did I do?”

            Jim rubs their noses together. “You arrived. Me and Spock have something very important to talk to you about. Is that okay, Sasha?” The toddler nods and lays her head against Jim’s shoulder, reaching out to pull at one of Spock’s ears. Spock turns green, as he always does when Sasha touches his ears. (She once asked how she could get ears like Spock. Jim thought it was adorable, Spock was afraid that she’d try to replicate them for herself.)

           

            Jim is 41, and he’s on leave from his Admiral position. Sasha is skipping stones in the creek with Saum and V’Len, the two little boys that Spock and Jim artificially birthed. Tara is sitting in the chair next to Jim. Although she’s the youngest and most human, she acts the most like Spock. At only 5 years old, she reads all the time and follows Spock around while he works in his lab. But when it comes to relaxing, she only wants to be with Jim. It makes him happy that she’s the most relaxed around him, but it still bothers Spock the slightest bit that his daughter that acts just like him wants to be just like Jim.

            Spock comes outside from the kitchen. “Dinner is ready,” He says, pressing his fingers to Jim’s forehead in a soft kiss. Jim’s eyes shut for a second, and he feels Tara roll her eyes from next to him.

            “Thanks, babe.” He says, ignoring his sarcastic daughter. He calls the rest of the kids, and sends Tara inside to set the table.

            Saum runs up the hill first, his curly black hair bouncing with water as he holds up a bucket to Jim.

            “Daddy, I caught minnows! I caught them myself, but V’Len tried to- to stop me. But he caught a frog.”

            Jim nods and smiles at his son as V’Len comes up beside his brother. “You should go show your father,” He says, knowing that Spock will be less than amused at his son’s fish.

            Saum’s face breaks into a huge grin. “Sa’mekh!!” He yells before rushing through the screen door. V’Len is silent, and simply holds his arms up to be held. Jim obliges him, although V’Len is 8 years old and much too big to be held.

            “My frog got away.” He says softly, thumbing Jim’s collar in his small fingers. “I wanted to show you, Dad.”

            Jim rocks his son slowly, loving the way that V’Len’s soft blonde hair almost blends in with his own. “That’s okay, V. I still love you.” V’Len nods against him and moves to get down, which Jim allows. “Go inside and help with dinner, yeah?” V’Len nods again and leans up with his lips pursed. Jim tilts his cheek and feels V’Len’s soft lips against his skin.

            “Okay, Daddy.” He says, and walks into the kitchen. Jim feels his heart squeeze as he watches his little boy, and then he almost gets knocked off of his feet by Sasha.

            “Hi Dad! I got the nets and stuff.” Sasha says, leaning back. She’s never gotten over her love of hugging her parents while they’re off-guard, and now that she’s 15, she’s all legs and long hair. She looks like her mother, Spock said once. Jim agrees, especially standing here taller than him, with her hands on her hips.

            “Good, thanks kid.” He reaches up to ruffle her hair and Sasha scowls at him. “Go wash your brothers up.”

            “K, Dad.” She walks away but stops at the screen door. “Hey Dad?” She calls.

            Jim arches his back to crack it and responds, “Yes?”

            Sasha is quiet for a moment before speaking again. “Did you ever imagine all of this? I mean, all of us?”

            Jim watches his daughter, her back still as she waits for his answer.

            “No,” He admits. “But I wouldn’t trade the world for you.” Sasha grins at that and Jim sees her relax. She goes into the house, and Jim allows himself to look at the house, at their yard and patio, at Tara’s copy of ‘Atlantis’ sitting on the chair beside him.

            Spock leans outside and beckons to him. “It is time to join our family, Jim.” Jim feels a soft tug of adoration on their bond, and he turns back to his husband.

            “Coming.” Jim says, and heads back to his life. He’s finally got the family that he wants.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what I could improve on. Thanks for stopping by, come again.


End file.
